i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
