I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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