i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
