Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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