Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
