I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
