I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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