There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
