I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
