when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
