1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
