he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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