genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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