Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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