Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
