How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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