I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
