The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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