Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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