thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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