You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
