I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
