That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
