I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
