the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
