just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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