Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
