If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
