dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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