she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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