I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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