I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
