I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Randomize
