Nicole vs. Life
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
