Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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