i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
