so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
