Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
