You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
