I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Someone shit on the floor
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
