I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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