mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
