what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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