Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
