She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
