i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
