Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
