so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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