Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
this is an emotional support booty call
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
