Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
